Great Funny Quotes Biography
source (google.com.pk)
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos
Shoes, Three, Thousand
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
Water, Whistle, Boiling
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
Cause, Wear, Upside
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
Here, Hand, Powers
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett
Cheap, Expensive, Buy
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
Batteries, Bought, Included
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
Time, Philosophy, Dread
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
Best, Eat, Kitchen
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel
Age, Matter, Unless
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner
Children, Eat, Vegetarian
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
Family, Tree, Found
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Great, Small, Cross
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden
Help, Others, Earth
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge
Hurt, Said
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Erma Bombeck
Women, Cars, Thin
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
Ron White
Time, Next
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine
Help, Lord, Pure
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
Love, Question, Please
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Simple, Fat
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
Public, Nobody, Taste
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke
Godliness, Becomes, Unlikely
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken
Harder, Average, Ape
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Divorce, Keep, House
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
Time, Enjoyed, Iron
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
Children, Fried
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
H. G. Wells
Time, Future, Despair
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire
Necessary
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
Means, Dirty, Clean
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H. L. Mencken
Marriage, Wonderful
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke
May, Parents, Difficult
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis
Woman, Dream, Her
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
Father, Influence, Profound
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Art, Fine, Forgetting
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry
Age, Remind, Bladder
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
Life, Regret, Else
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope
Love, Money, Washington
My life needs editing.
Mort Sahl
Life, Needs, Editing
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton
Hair, Changing, Quest
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan
Sure, Tree, Sit
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
Wife, Star, Started
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite
Love, Food, Career
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers
Girl, Places, Expected
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo
Harm, Fashions
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone
Lunch, Stolen, Cork
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
Another, Fact, Body
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead
Life, Mistakes, Again
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
Lucille Ball
Home, Children, Leave
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
God, Diamonds, Floor
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin
Says, Outside, Finish
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
Great, Tried, Fairly
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