Funny Quots Biography
source (google.com.pk)
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
Political, Party, Democrat
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
Morning, Sleep, Sorry
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra
Worth, Anymore, Dime
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
Three, Wrongs
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
Women, Missing, Anyone
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
Wife, Her, Interrupt
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
Diet, Friend, Fat
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
George Bernard Shaw
Best, Dance, Teach
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
Understand, Child, Five
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock
Life, Women, Food
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
Claude Pepper
Age, Him, Value Quote
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
Art, Yesterday, Keeping
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
Trap, Pancake, Syrup
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Laurence J. Peter
Until, Knows
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn
Life
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan
Worth, Picture
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx
Born, Except, Democrats
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Call, Hour, Moves
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
Baby, Knew, Radio
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Lightning, Organized
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
Writing, Book, Numbers
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly
Thinking, Listen, Tell
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Woman, Said, Problem
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin Williams
Sorry, Agree
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
Crisis, Cannot, Week
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Heaven, Thunder, Lightning
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
Health, Food, Older
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant
Roses, Red, Blue
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
Word, Another, Thesaurus
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
Else, Week, Drink
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner
God, Talk, Praying
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
Water, Drink, Fish
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck
Giving, Gift, Guilt
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell
Die, Wrong, Might
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
Hate, Again, Start
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Bertrand Russell
Waiting, Grow, Full
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Josh Billings
Memory, Mistake, Lots
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman
Friends, Enemy, Doubt
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis
Listen, Pessimist, Optimists
I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra
Said
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney
Love, Woman, Known
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
Left, Speaks, Comic
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
Car, Children, Windows
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Happiness, Money, Problem
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
Used, Falling, Ice
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
Idea, Name, Eventually
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
Die, Comedy, Fall
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
Love, Pretending, Present
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
Group, Hours, Minutes
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Amazing, Happens, News
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos
Shoes, Three, Thousand
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
Water, Whistle, Boiling
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
Cause, Wear, Upside
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
Here, Hand, Powers
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett
Cheap, Expensive, Buy
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
Batteries, Bought, Included
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
Time, Philosophy, Dread
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
Best, Eat, Kitchen
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel
Age, Matter, Unless
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner
Children, Eat, Vegetarian
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
Family, Tree, Found
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Great, Small, Cross
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden
Help, Others, Earth
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge
Hurt, Said
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Erma Bombeck
Women, Cars, Thin
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
Ron White
Time, Next
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine
Help, Lord, Pure
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
Love, Question, Please
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Simple, Fat
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
Public, Nobody, Taste
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke
Godliness, Becomes, Unlikely
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken
Harder, Average, Ape
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Divorce, Keep, House
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
Time, Enjoyed, Iron
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
Children, Fried
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