Funny Quotes Sayings Biography
source (google.com.pk)
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
Used, Sin, Disease
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson
Television, Radio, Eating
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
Men, Care, Else
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess
Alone, Sleep, Laugh
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon
Baby, Boomers
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher
Men, Loyal, Options
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
Child, Ask, Accountant
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
Sick, Dead, Sea
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Love, Gun, Interest
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin
Beauty, Truth, Hair
I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
Frank Sinatra
Night, Whatever, Gets
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
Children, Hand, Leaves
Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White
Clearly, Obscure
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin
Hate, Woman, Head
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen
Team, Chess, Failed
All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
Men, Fish, Equal
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hesiod
Woman, She, Deceive
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James
Feeling, Pizza, Warm
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields
Life, Lost, Smoking
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
Happen, Place, Fine
You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz
Good, Last, Haircut
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
Edward Abbey
Society, Once, While
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly
Army, Red, Knives
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Religion, Time, Church
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
Eyes, Tv, Gum
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne
Walk, Another, Until
Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke
Fight, Object, Inanimate
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis
Hair, Kiss, Washed
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
Said, Language, Fine
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
Food, Diet, Balanced
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
Succeed, Skydiving
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Lewis Black
Candy, Corn
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Tim Allen
Positive, Men, Good
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
Life, Change, Underwear
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
Marcelene Cox
Parents, Blame, Succeed
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Hillary Clinton
Change, Story, Off
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
Friend, Door, Next
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
James Thurber
Wrong, Number, Phone
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Steve Martin
Word, Boy, French
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Robin Williams
Number, Phone, Psychic
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres
Cut, Barbie, Buzz
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland
Wife, Another, Folly
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen
Job, Miserable, Films
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno
Reason, State, Driver
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
Experience, Her, Forgotten
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld
Mafia, Irs
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno
Dad, Mother, Wife
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Fred Allen
Time, Him, Last
Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
Laurence J. Peter
Child, Television, Force
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem
Marriage, Career, Advice
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